Update

So it has been a long time since I checked in here.
I know I wrote in here somewhere that often people start things like this and never finish them because they get better and go back to living. I wish I could say that was my truth and in some ways it is. Honestly my lack of updating the blog is because I was better enough for my help to leave and I needed to go back to my full time job, being CEO of the family.  When I am not being mom I am working on the Art Studio I run with my mom or working on completing pieces of art.  There is very little down time in my life so naturally the first things to be put to the side are the unnecessaries.  I am beginning to wonder if this little blog is a necessary for myself though.  I need a place I can look back and have a visual record of what I did and how it affected my back.  There has been many ups and many downs since I last visited the blog world and perhaps if I had kept up with the blog and been honest,  I wouldn't wonder why my back aches all day.
I do too much and I don't do enough PT. I need to find more time to take care of myself in order for this surgery to help.   I knew going into this from the very beginning that the surgery was not a cure all, it was a step, a big one, but if I wanted to get to the end of the tunnel I was going to have to commit myself.  I need to learn to stop and do my exercises, how to say no, how to let go. I want to do everything, I want to do it all for everyone, for myself, but in the end I am hurting myself. My back hurts all the time and I am still on lots of pain pills and still in pain.  I am not sure where I would say I am with things, maybe feeling like I did right before surgery, in a lot a pain enough to get my back ripped open, bone ground up and removed, bolts, screws and cages put in. I don't want to feel like this I want to feel better. I am getting back on track today, I am going clean up my act, get my exercises back in and stop doing things that highly aggravate my back.  Here I go on my way to better!

A Long Break ...but not in my Back!

I REALLY wanted to make this blog for the person out there searching for a recovery story from spinal fusion.  I apologize that I let such a big gap go between updates, to you, out there in the Internet land looking as I was night after night for someones record of their journey after their spine had been fused.
All is not lost because this is A LONG recovery.  So I am still in the midst of it and have much to tell you.  I had my 8 week post op appointment last week.  I am FUSING,  I AM GROWING NEW BONE!  This is excellent news the best I have heard since the surgery.  It means that much of what I feared is not happening.  I was so afraid to have the surgery and not have a good outcome.  I was given an 85% or more chance of feeling much better after the surgery.  That is a 15% chance of not feeling better or feeling worse.  That is a big chance to take but I did.   Don't get me wrong I still am in pain.  A lot of pain and I am on a lot of medications for the pain.  But my bone is fusing which means I may be out of this pain and off of the meds in the near future.
My doctor said the first two months are hell, the second 2 months are working your way out of hell and the last 2 months are getting back to where I was prior to surgery and much better.  It is a long process a process that is hard both physically and emotionally. Total recovery is up to a year and a half at which point you should be feeling much better than you did prior the surgery.  It is a long journey but not as long as a life time of living in debilitating pain. It is a journey that you need lots of help with.  I have been lucky enough to have my wonderful family rally together and help me but more importantly help my children.
Before I sign off for the night.  I want to let you know how VERY hard this is mentally.  You will not be able to do much.  You must depend on others for the simplest of things and the hardest and all that lies in between.  It is not only hard on you but the loved ones around you.  They take on so much for you physically and mentally.  Giving up their own lives to help you with yours.  I will write more next time about this subject because I cannot stress enough that you need to prepare yourself prior to the surgery for the mental strength you will need afterwards.

Good Night,
Reba

Update and Bedtime

I know I have not updated in awhile and I apologize!  And this will be quick as I am wrapping up the day and SO ready for bed.  Things are going good. I am basically free of all walking aids.  I am up to mile walks, usually twice a day.  I no longer need as many naps and as much down time.  Although I still need them just not as much.  There have been some bad days and a few really painful moments that quite frankly scared the hell out of me.  But we got through them and there are less and less of those moments.  I still tire very easily and perhaps over do it to often.  I am going to update again with more detail.  I wanted this to be a resource for someone about to or considering the surgery so I am going to documents some more details very soon.

Good night to all!

Back to Better: Slow Go, But it is Going!

Healing from back surgery is a very long and tiring process.  And I am only 3 weeks into it.  It is also almost (I say almost because my house is always jumping with something!) boring.  I get a lot (a lot by my standards) of “just me“ time laying in bed, reading and day dreaming or actually dreaming when I doze off.  Since my children were born “just me” time had seized to exist.  Even now as I am healing my children spend quite a bit of time in bed with me...in and out in and out...and I spend quite a bit of time going in and out of rooms checking in on them and who ever is here helping.  So even though my “me time” is really just an hour here or there, if all goes well it is more than I have had in quite sometime!  Point is I can’t do much of anything but read, daydream, think, play on the internet, watch movies or TV.  I like to do these things but get bored of them quickly.  There is so much I would rather be doing but am not able to do at this time because of the surgery and all the strict rules that come with the healing process.  The healing process that I am just now getting the hang of...I really hope it is not too late that I am just now getting the right amounts of rest, less stress, less trying to do things i shouldn’t, less breaking the rules “just this once”......  I wanted to follow the doctors orders to a T but even more listen to my own body.  I was determined to do everything just perfect and be perfect in the end for doing so.  Better late than never.  The last few days I have been bored in just the right amounts so I am back on track.  I forgot to take one of my many pain pills one day this week and the pain was horrendous!!!  It scared me right into my new way of boredom! There was also a scare this week that I was going to have to make it through a night without my pain meds because I forgot to call in on time to get my refill -thank my lucky stars I didn’t have to...I was near tears just thinking of the pain I would be in.  So heres to healing, cheers!

Slow Go, But it is Going!

Healing from back surgery is a very long and tiring process.  And I am only 3 weeks into it.  It is also almost (I say almost because my house is always jumping with something!) boring.  I get a lot (a lot by my standards) of “just me“ time laying in bed, reading and day dreaming or actually dreaming when I doze off.  Since my children were born “just me” time had seized to exist.  Even now as I am healing my children spend quite a bit of time in bed with me...in and out in and out...and I spend quite a bit of time going in and out of rooms checking in on them and who ever is here helping.  So even though my “me time” is really just an hour here or there, if all goes well it is more than I have had in quite sometime!  Point is I can’t do much of anything but read, daydream, think, play on the internet, watch movies or TV.  I like to do these things but get bored of them quickly.  There is so much I would rather be doing but am not able to do at this time because of the surgery and all the strict rules that come with the healing process.  The healing process that I am just now getting the hang of...I really hope it is not too late that I am just now getting the right amounts of rest, less stress, less trying to do things i shouldn’t, less breaking the rules “just this once”......  I wanted to follow the doctors orders to a T but even more listen to my own body.  I was determined to do everything just perfect and be perfect in the end for doing so.  Better late than never.  The last few days I have been bored in just the right amounts so I am back on track.  I forgot to take one of my many pain pills one day this week and the pain was horrendous!!!  It scared me right into my new way of boredom! There was also a scare this week that I was going to have to make it through a night without my pain meds because I forgot to call in on time to get my refill -thank my lucky stars I didn’t have to...I was near tears just thinking of the pain I would be in.  So heres to healing, cheers! 

Go to Bed, NOW!

To be completely honest with myself I am not resting enough.  In order for my body to heal I need to get the right amounts of sleep and rest so new healthy cells can form and my body can begin to mend itself and new bone can form.

There are a few reasons I am not getting enough z’s.  One: my pain meds have a side effect of keeping me awake.  Two: I am not laying down when I know I should.  When my body says “Hey, I am tired lets go lay down for a bit”, I must admit I ignore it.  I want to keep doing things or stay close to the kids just to watch them discover or listen to their funny stories.  Three: Sometimes I want to go get some unnecessary errands done.  Four: I want to visit with the company that has come to help and feel guilty as I watch them clean my house. (Thank you!!!!!)

The thing is before my surgery I was always able to just keep pushing myself, it was a way of life.  So I need to make a new way of life, which is always hard to do.

As for how I am doing as far as healing - I think pretty good.  I am not in as much pain, as long as I stay on top of the meds.  I am a thousand times better than last week.  I am able to move myself around my bed without all the moaning and wincing.  The headaches are totally gone.  I still wake in the middle of the night a few times in major pain and need to take my pain and sleeping meds. 

I want to make a full recovery and that is why I am being honest with myself about the resting part.  I am going to schedule rest time just like I schedule my walks.  I only have this one chance to heal and I need it to work.  So those of you in charge keep yelling at me to get in bed!!!

You look Human!

Today I had my first official post op appointment with my doctor.  He said and I quote 

“You look human!”.  He was very happy with my progress so far and apologized that I had to suffer so much in the beginning.  He wants me to continue my walks and he wants me to continue to take care of myself and let others care for me.

My mother and husband were concerned that I was doing too much. Of course my mom brought that up to the doctor.  He said in a way they were right and in a way I was.  My husband and mom thought I should be taking my 3 walks a day and spending the rest in bed.  I take my 3 walks a day but do not spend the rest of the day in bed.  I spend some time in the bed but I mosey around the house and yard watching my little angels play and discover.  I do some school with them and steal hugs and kisses left and right! And maybe I boss my husband around a little too much...it is hard just being able to watch! ....I am sorry!

Doc said I need to find a happy medium between the two. That I did just have spinal fusion 13 days ago and I need to spend a little less time on my feet but by no means need to be in bed the whole day.  So that is what I will do!  Today my sister-in-law came and played with the kids and I did spend quite a bit of time sleeping!  I was up and about too much yesterday and my body was telling me to take it easy I didn’t listen yesterday, but today I did.  My body said “hey, go lay down I am tired and I need rest to heal.”  So I put my head to my pillow and my little hearts in the hands of my sis-in -law and got some good rest.

The Hospital

The morning we left I was calmer than I thought I would be.  We finished packing I took my shower with my special soap and headed out the door after a million and one kisses between my daughter and myself!  Kissed my mom and headed out.

When we arrived the nerves set in.  There was nurses and doctors coming in and out of the room testing this and that.  Then I was put in my gown and rolled to the “waiting area.”  When my doctor arrived we said our hellos went over a few things and the anesthesiologist gave me my IV.  I had tears in my eyes and kissed my husband goodbye.  Then just like that I woke up in the recovery room.  I was crying in pain while they flipped me all over the bed doing x-rays.  It was scary because I woke up to what felt like chaos or the specimen of an alien experiment.

I was then rolled up into my room where my husband was fast asleep waiting for me.  I don’t think he was too nervous as he was so out of it he didn’t even wake up when the nurses and doctors rolled me in!  One nurse said “wow we didn’t even put him out!”  That’s my man...he is an excellent sleeper.

The whole hospital stay is somewhat a blur.  I was heavily medicated and in and out of consciousness quite a bit.  The first night was nothing short of hell.  The pain meds they had me on were not lasting long enough and they were unwilling to give me more in fear they would kill me.  At one point I was crying and trembling in pain holding on to the side of the bed asking them to please give me anything even if it did kill me.  The pain was beyond painful, beyond words that could describe it.  In the morning my doctor came in my room, where I was lying in tears and jerking in pain he looked at me and said “this is not right we cannot let her be this way.”  He ordered something stronger than morphine, I can’t remember what its name is, they put it in my IV and relief came.  It left quickly and so began the game of trying to keep me from falling to the lowest lows of pain.  It was a game that went on almost the whole time I was there.  I gave birth to my children without the use of pain medication and I  thought that was the worst pain I had and would ever be through.  Giving birth was cake compared to this.

On the plus side my family and friends came and visited 24 hours a day and cared for me through all the ruff patches.  I had nurses that were just amazing.  My OT was wonderful and so was my PT.  Everyone was great and everyone was trying their damnedest to help me get better.  My doctor apologized for the trouble I had and the pain I was in but how could he have foreseen that.  He eventually got my pain under control and relieved me of my headaches. Now I am healing!!!!!!! Healing not just taking meds to cover the pain.  I am on meds to help with the pain as I heal and that is is huge difference!

Not home Yet!

Well I just wanted to stop in and say I wasn't released from my mom's as planned yesterday.  Hoping for today!  I did spend some wonderful time with my children for the bigger part of my day so all was not a loss.
Later today I will be posting some great gory pictures! And my recollection of the hospital stay and surgery! Be sure to tune in! Also made it through another day without a headache!

I am Back!

It is me! First I want to say thank you to my beautiful mom for keeping up with this blog for me, but mostly for all that she has done for me and my family in the last two weeks.  

She has been quite amazing!  This has been far from easy for anyone involved and she has done above and beyond what a person is capable of doing.  My mom is there for me every step of the way caring for me 24 hours a day and more.  She is my hero and I am the luckiest and proudest person because I am able to call her my mom.  This will be a short stop in blogland because as you may have read I only gained my reading/writing skills back yesterday and with all the pills and discomfort I am still struggling right now.  

I didn’t have a single headache yesterday.  My improvement is nothing less than amazing.  I am stronger, more alert and slowly gaining my health back.

I am more than excited and happy for today I will return home to my husband and children.  I have visited with them everyday and even had my daughter for a sleep over! It has been so hard on them and they have been such troopers I am so proud of my little people.  But today is the day moms coming home!! (My mom is coming too of course!)  Thanks to everyone who has been there for me and my family we love and appreciate all that you have done and realize it is only the beginning!

Ups and Downs

Got the much needed answers to Bec's headaches. And as she said "headache" is way too mild of a term for them. Apparently they are caused by spine nerve inflamation. Or as the surgeon put it the nerves are "pissed off" at Becky for some reason. He prescribed steroids for them. It could take several days to taper off. How wonderful to have an answer! I think once they're gone Becky can better concentrate on a controlled recovery. They are just too much of a distraction. Also she will be able to read,,,,things like her blog! And maybe even type in a blog posting of her own! In the meantime I know she was looking for some feedback, comments on her blog and I told her people were definitely reading it but maybe now everyone could make a comment! It would be great for her to hear from everyone now!
Unfortunately after the surgeon's visit and a stop at home to have din din with the kiddos, she had a very rough night. She said the pain was as bad as it was the night after the surgery. So just as we thought she'd be making some progress, she has a setback. This morning however she hasn't had a headache as yet! yippee! This is huge, you have no idea! She said the headaches were piercing pain from her eyes all throught the center part of her head. (Imagine a horses mane.) Like knives stabbing and then the insult of twisting them. Lets hope we don't have to talk about them again!
It was fun to see her at her house, first time in one week. R cried when she left but it is definitely better Bec get the rest she needs here at mom's. We were thinking she'd go home in a few days, maybe this weekend but then when she had such a rough night last night I was so glad she was here.

Monday Monday

Called the surgeon first thing Monday morning since the headaches are unbearable. They were concerned and scheduled an apptmt back at the hospital to see the surgeon on Tuesday. Becky had a good Monday afternoon, talking to a good friend always helps! Thanks EC for your afternoon visit. (I am using initials now since Bec didn't think it was a good idea to name names on a blog)

Sunday

Day started out terrible. Bec was in so much pain with the headache and of course backache. but it's more than just the back. It's the hips, the but, the legs etc. We called the surgeon. He explained about the tylenol that was or wasn't in each of the meds. And how it could be affecting the headache. He limited her intake of tylenol because anything over 3000 mgs can cause liver damage. So after getting the meds in sync I think she had a better day. She did sleep alot and that always helps. She also ate some real food and some nachos for a snack. Not much but it's a start. Dinner time the kids arrived. It was a great reunion. Bec came down and ate with us and went on her short walk outside with the kiddies. Then it was back in bed and the kids went home with daddy. Nighty night.

Meds

Becky has been fighting severe headaches. So much so that she isn't able to open her eyes and cries in pain. We've still been trying the coffee, sometimes working sometimes not. We've been trying Tylenol again working some of the time but not as effective as the coffee. Then she had an idea for me to rush home and get her Vicadin. She recalls getting headaches pre surgery when she would take a break from them at home. So trusting ourselves that this would be ok and making a physicians decision she tried the Vicadin and I thought it seemed to help. She thought so too and then later in the day she decided they didn't help and went back on the Oxycoden. But again later in the evening she again said they did help. THis is part of the confusion from the medication. Sometimes she says something and then says she thought she dreamt it. Confused like when she was talking to Shawn on the phone from the hospital she told him she didn't have prostate cancer. Well we have to keep some humor in this story....leave it to Becky.

Bec's first full day out of the hospital

Saturday morning had me and Shawn hoppin'. We had now become the sole caregivers, no more nurses. I must admit it is a challenge at times. The medication messes with Becky's brain and her need for care is constant. Grandma Kaebisch arrived around 11 and bless her soul she was such a big help. From doing laundry to reading to Becky it was great to have her here. I just felt bad that she had to go up and down the stairs so much. By afternoon Becky had settled down. In the morn she had been stubborn and feisty and she went down the stairs a few times too many. We told her she has just one chance to make her back better and that we were all here to help and guide her to do the right thing. Most definitely going up and down the stairs was not the right thing but in her medicated mind she tredged on without concern over our cautions. I guess the good thing about it is that she WAS able to climb stairs just 4 days after surgery. She also demanded we drive her out to Hartford to see the kids. Then in the afternoon another boost of stubbornness and she went for a little walk down the sidewalk. Again this is great and I admire her determination but I think baby steps would have been preferable over giant steps. Midafternoon she had some company, Kayla, Char and Clancy. She was very hospitable and had a fun time. She was glad to make up from her visit with Char in the hospital that she slept thru! Becky did have one mishap and that was a trip on the area rug in our bedroom that she tripped on while no one was in the room with her. Luckily she had her walker and was able to catch herself but it wasn't comfortable to say the least. She's like a fragile little China doll. She can't be left alone. After some comforting naps she finally ate alittle late in the evening. After saying goodby to sister Ellie, Becky settled in her nest of pillows for what hopefully would be a peaceful sleep.

Friday night, 11 pm

We're home. But it wasn't an easy day. Everything was scheduled for release but then the Surgeon assistant Kristen found out Bec was having some internal problems and extreme headaches and ordered a catscan. She seemed very concerned and talked about spinal fluid leaks. The catscan was torture for Becky. I was allowed in but had to leave it was difficult to watch and nothing I could do to help. Then the long wait. The scan was sent to a different surgeon and he looked at them on his computer. They showed no leakage and everything was nice and tidy where it should be. After some some discussion the nurse thought maybe the headaches were from caffeine withdrawal but they seemed just too severe for that to me. But we got Becky an iced coffee and it wasn't long before the headache subsided. The headaches have returned since but we'll hope that she just needs a cup of joe. The other issue remains unresolved. They're hoping it will just get back to normal with time. But at least the fear of the spinal fluid leakage was gone and thank God since that would have meant going back into surgery.
The assistant was also concerned about the amount of meds Becky was taking. She said it was enough for a 300lb man. This has been the struggle the whole time, getting the right meds to work for her yet cutting down. Now that we're home, we have no choice but to tough it out. Toughing it out being an understatement.
So after some medication adjustments, physical therapy, lots of packing and hugs and goodbys we were in the car at 5:30, rush hour, heading home.
Becky settled in to her new rehab home, Majesa Hills. Kiddies are vacationing at the Hartford Azoffs. Ellie and Ben here to help, Ben making an emergency run for tylenol for the extreme headaches and Ellie doing the grocery shopping for Bec's special foods. Shawn and I were the nurses. We thought she was doing ok and really sustained the drive home but then had some really bad episodes of pain. I think it's just a matter of us getting a balance on the narcotics. Oxycotin and Oxycoden. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Up and at 'em

Still mom writing posts. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow Becky will be able to write something. She had a good night and last trip to the bathroom she didn't even wake me up to help. Go BEC!! She has such determination. We took a picture a little bit ago. I want her to see it tho before I post it. Right now she's getting some good zzz's. Her body needs the sleeptime to repair those damaged cells etc. So things are looking up finally. We're waiting for a doctor visit to give the release orders. Could be here yet till the afternoon. Becky has been very "feisty" this morning, kind of like the day of the surgery. I told her she's like a grouchy old lady. I can handle it.

It's back!

Well the IV is back. Had two doses of the IV meds today, but they said the one at 7pm would be the last so she can go home tomorrow. She was pretty out of it tonight. Slept right thru Brian & Chars visit. Sleeping now. Good night.!

One step forward, One step back

Pain medication changed. Pain level a 9. yikes, can she have the I V meds back???

NO, not if she wants to go home tomorrow.

Good Night

Becky it's only the second night after surgery and even tho you don't realize it you have made some progress. Last night you slept in two hour intervals, an improvement over the 20 to 30 minute naps prior. We even took a walk in the wee hours of the night all the way to the nurses station and back. Best of all you went 4 hours without pain medication from 3am to 7am. Then at 7 you took the pills rather than the I V. Breakfast just arrived. I hope you eat something!

Wednesday Evening

I got to hospital around 3. Becky's Grandma was here sitting by her side. Becky's dad made a short visit. Theresa arrived around 6. It took the two of us and the nurses to take care of Becky this evening. Huge accomplishments, walking (with aid of walker), very short distance. bathroom visits, and brief (5 min.) of sitting in chair. All with the aide of oxycoden, oxycotton, valium, dyazapam, & delugted (sp?). The last one is the IV and the one that really helps her. She has been sleeping now for 30 minutes with 7 pillows strategically placed around and under her. God let this nightmare be over soon.

Surgery

Becky's surgery went well. It took just over 2 and 1/2 hours, shorter than we thought it would but longer than the surgeon thought it would. She was in her room by 1pm. Becky had a horrible day in pain. When I arrived I was surprised that she was talking non stop. Very edgy, very much in pain, definitely drugged up. I expected to see her drugged up and dozing off, sleeping, groggy etc. Just the opposite! Becky had an extremely painful night. Everyone is trying to get her calmed down.

the day after

Becky is not managing her pain. 3 reasons, one...not eating AT ALL, two.....she's been on so much pain medication prior to the surgery that she has built up a bit of a tolerance to the meds, and three....stress. Stress is the big one. She's been getting by on 3 to 4 hours of sleep for weeks prior to surgery, drinking buckets of coffee, and the anxiety of the surgery itself along with stress of life in general with a one year old, a two year old and a husband that works 12 hours a day. The nurses have been trying to calm her, trying different relaxation therapies. I brought her a calming cd to listen to, etc. Nothings working. I think she just wants her husband and her two little ones by her side.

the big day

Good morning, this is Becky's mom. After 4 cups of coffee and the little ones sound asleep and Derek off to school I can sit down and write. It's a rainy windy day, I say a perfect day for a surgery! Becky was in a good positive mood this morning. Rosalie was up to spend some time with her already when I got here around 4:30 am. I think leaving the kiddos is harder for Becky than the thought of the surgery. Brace and suitcase in hand, Becky and Shawn pulled out of the driveway around 5:15 am just alittle behind schedule. Becky called me many times on the way to the hospital going over last minute things that she felt she needed to get off her mind. At 7:35 Shawn called to say they were just separated and Bec was on her way into surgery. He said she was nervous, hmm I wonder why! Well I am writing alot of this for Becky so she can read and reflect and know just what was going on while she was "out". I took a picture of her heading out the door this morning but am not quite sure how to post it. Perhaps I'll brave it alittle later. So for now I'm off to get a tissue, I can't believe after all the anticipation, the big day is finally here! The day Becky can start her healing journey. God bless you Becky. I love you mega much.

The Trimmings!

 My brother-in-law painted my boring white brace a fiery mix of oranges...  

                                                 

 I  painted a phoenix on it!

then I added some spark

to her fire

With her wings wrapped tightly around me she will carry me out of the fire’s ashes while I listen to her sweet songs.  And when I am ready she will let go and I will fly freely.

My mom made me some walking sticks, they are so marvelous I actually can't wait to use them!

So bring on the fusion.  I am going to have the coolest trimmings in this town.

I thought it would be sweet to get a phoenix tattoo over or around my scar when it is all said and done.  I love what she symbolize and all of her legends. I also thought it would be funny to have a phoenix rising from the fire out of my ass.....

Who's Playing with the Panic Button?

Last week I was at peace with the decision to have surgery.  I was almost eager to get it done and be on my way to better.  I was comfortable with the plans for my family during the recovery and looking forward to some rest.  Then on Monday I opened an email from my lovely sister-in-law asking what time we needed her to watch the kids next week.  When I read “next week” I stopped breathing.  It made what was abstract into reality.  I couldn’t breathe or see straight.   I went outside and tried to collect myself. When I came in the house my husband asked if I was OK.  I started to cry and could not stop.  I really worried my little girl but I couldn’t stop.  I just kept hugging her and my son trying to not cry.  My husband told me everything is going to be OK even if we had to go right now, it would be fine everyone would be fine.  
Once I caught my breath I called my mom and she helped calm me down.  It wasn’t so much the surgery I was upset about.  It was my kids, it was everything - I am not sure I can put into words really what it was.  It was a meltdown. 
Then a few hours later I got another email from a wonderful person I met on Facebook who is about 5 weeks post op from a 3 level spinal fusion.  She said she is doing great. Her recovery has been great she feels better than she has in years!  I could feel her excitement, her joy of having her life back.  I could breathe again.  Just like that I was at peace with it as much as one could be.  

My mom said she was waiting for my breakdown and she will be here for the next one.  I have been working on getting all my ducks in a row for this surgery so I am busy busy and haven’t had time for one today! My next “to-do” is to finish my brace.  My awesome brother-in-law painted it a fiery mix of oranges and I am in the process of painting a phoenix on it...goal is to finish it tomorrow. 

Two Weeks

Two weeks from today, at this time, I will be in my room at the hospital.  The surgery will be over, I will be out of the recovery room and in a regular room.  All this built up tension and fear about the actual operation will be over, the surgery will have happened and recovery will be starting.  

In many ways I am looking forward to the recovery.  This time I may actually be recovering, on my way to better days.  Unlike the past procedures, pills and physical therapy I may find lasting relief.  I was given an 85% chance (or better) of feeling 85% better(or more).  Instead of having to take painkillers to get through the days I will have a dull back ache. There may be times it flares up throughout my life and I am off my feet for a few days.  And I must always remember surgery or not I don’t have a good back.  I think my odds are even better than they gave me.  I intend to be very proactive about caring for my back.  With a fusion there is always a chance you will wear out the disks above or below and have to go back for another fusion. (Not below in my case as there is no more disk below S1) One doctor said he could get me, at least, a good 20 years before I would need another.  My current doctor said as long as I stay healthy, stay away from a career of heavy lifting, maintain a healthy weight and build my core I should be able to avoid another surgery.  The way I see it, my structure gave out on me this time do to genetics and I can keep the rest of my spine healthy with a little hard work and dedication. That is my plan.  

I would be lying if I didn’t say I am slightly worried about the genetics and the health of the rest of my back.  I do have some arthritis in my upper back and pain moving upwards but my doctor assures me the pain is from the stress of my lower back and the muscles compensating (or something like that). 

In many ways I fear the recovery more than the surgery.  My children are the loves of my life, it pains me in ways I cannot put into words, that I will not be able to do it all for them if even for a moment.  It is for this exact reason I am also having the surgery done. Our youngest are very young, 1 and 2 years old and our soon to be 12 year old son will all have a broken mom for awhile.  For at least 12 weeks I will not be able to lift more than a gallon of milk, both the little ones weigh more than a gallon of milk.  It is not so much the lifting more the bending and twisting and chasing that is needed with them right now, which I won’t be able to do either.  For the first week I will be in the hospital and the second week post op I will be at my moms.  The kids will come visit but it will be hard on us all especially because my baby boy is very attached to me and very very apprehensive (understatement) of any one other than his parents.  My wonderful family is all going to rally together to help and this brings me some much needed peace but I can't help but worry for the days ahead.  Ahh there is so much, I could write for a week about it all!  But I also only have two weeks to get a LOT done so I must get to getting it done.

Oh I should add I am nervous about the pain post op, a little, not too much, I am a champion at pain!

                                               Me and the little ones!

Backstory

Currently my back is 30 years old. For the first 20 years of my life my back treated me well. It was in my early 20's that it began turn against me. It started off slow just nagging and annoying me, but I was always able to hush it up with some over the counter anti-inflammatory (Thank you Ibuprofen I miss you but you ate my stomach and I can't be your friend anymore.) Then my back decided it would not be hushed so easy...still I ignored it. Then one day I was walking from class pushed open a door and was paralyzed in pain.  Pain shot from my lower back throughout my whole body. I was so scared I wasn't sure what to do. Should I scream for help? Well I didn't.  I recollect my self and inch by inch I forced my body to my car it was a long time getting there. Long because each step was excruciating, my car was not far at all.  A few times I didn't think I was going to make it but I am a very strong person mentally and I am excellent at mind over matter and I made it.  Once safe in my car I freaked out again ... what the hell was happening to me.  My back won this time I took it to the doctor and so began my journey with useless doctors and their useless advice and their useless pain pills. A ten year journey that has lead me to my current doctor, who is the first real doctor that has helped me.
Back to my story.  I went to the doctor and she told me I most likely pulled a muscle.  I thought wow maybe I can't handle pain as well as I thought.  She gave me muscle relaxers and sent me on my way.  After a day I could not walk at all.  My friend drove me back to the doctor and carried me in.  The doctor ordered MRIs.  She said "you are too young to have disk problems but your symptoms say otherwise, I am sure it is just a pulled muscle." WRONG MRI's show herniated disks and more.  Pain killers, steroids and a few days later back on my feet all is well... or so I thought.
I will fill in more backstory later for now I am going to lay on my heating pad.

Quick intro...more to come

Hello. For ten years I have suffered with back problems.  In just about two weeks I will be having a spinal fusion at two levels and two laminectomys.  I am scared and excited sad and nervous...nervous.  I am a mother of three a 1year old, 2year old and 12 year old.  I will be depending on my family to help with the children during my recovery.  What is it that lead me to start a blog at 2am in the morning documenting my journey?  The fact that I could not find someone else's journey through this surgery, recovery and life after recovery.  I find horror stories. People say those who had the surgery and things went well moved on with their lives and don't spend time writing about it because they are busy living.  I want to be the later...but I want to document my own story , my own recovery and at least some of the good to come.  I have to believe this surgery is going to bring LOTS of good or I would not do it to my family or myself.

I am so tired finally!(My pain pills keep me up till the wee hours and my babes wake me up bright and early!) So for now I will go catch those most precious z's!
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