Update

So it has been a long time since I checked in here.
I know I wrote in here somewhere that often people start things like this and never finish them because they get better and go back to living. I wish I could say that was my truth and in some ways it is. Honestly my lack of updating the blog is because I was better enough for my help to leave and I needed to go back to my full time job, being CEO of the family.  When I am not being mom I am working on the Art Studio I run with my mom or working on completing pieces of art.  There is very little down time in my life so naturally the first things to be put to the side are the unnecessaries.  I am beginning to wonder if this little blog is a necessary for myself though.  I need a place I can look back and have a visual record of what I did and how it affected my back.  There has been many ups and many downs since I last visited the blog world and perhaps if I had kept up with the blog and been honest,  I wouldn't wonder why my back aches all day.
I do too much and I don't do enough PT. I need to find more time to take care of myself in order for this surgery to help.   I knew going into this from the very beginning that the surgery was not a cure all, it was a step, a big one, but if I wanted to get to the end of the tunnel I was going to have to commit myself.  I need to learn to stop and do my exercises, how to say no, how to let go. I want to do everything, I want to do it all for everyone, for myself, but in the end I am hurting myself. My back hurts all the time and I am still on lots of pain pills and still in pain.  I am not sure where I would say I am with things, maybe feeling like I did right before surgery, in a lot a pain enough to get my back ripped open, bone ground up and removed, bolts, screws and cages put in. I don't want to feel like this I want to feel better. I am getting back on track today, I am going clean up my act, get my exercises back in and stop doing things that highly aggravate my back.  Here I go on my way to better!

A Long Break ...but not in my Back!

I REALLY wanted to make this blog for the person out there searching for a recovery story from spinal fusion.  I apologize that I let such a big gap go between updates, to you, out there in the Internet land looking as I was night after night for someones record of their journey after their spine had been fused.
All is not lost because this is A LONG recovery.  So I am still in the midst of it and have much to tell you.  I had my 8 week post op appointment last week.  I am FUSING,  I AM GROWING NEW BONE!  This is excellent news the best I have heard since the surgery.  It means that much of what I feared is not happening.  I was so afraid to have the surgery and not have a good outcome.  I was given an 85% or more chance of feeling much better after the surgery.  That is a 15% chance of not feeling better or feeling worse.  That is a big chance to take but I did.   Don't get me wrong I still am in pain.  A lot of pain and I am on a lot of medications for the pain.  But my bone is fusing which means I may be out of this pain and off of the meds in the near future.
My doctor said the first two months are hell, the second 2 months are working your way out of hell and the last 2 months are getting back to where I was prior to surgery and much better.  It is a long process a process that is hard both physically and emotionally. Total recovery is up to a year and a half at which point you should be feeling much better than you did prior the surgery.  It is a long journey but not as long as a life time of living in debilitating pain. It is a journey that you need lots of help with.  I have been lucky enough to have my wonderful family rally together and help me but more importantly help my children.
Before I sign off for the night.  I want to let you know how VERY hard this is mentally.  You will not be able to do much.  You must depend on others for the simplest of things and the hardest and all that lies in between.  It is not only hard on you but the loved ones around you.  They take on so much for you physically and mentally.  Giving up their own lives to help you with yours.  I will write more next time about this subject because I cannot stress enough that you need to prepare yourself prior to the surgery for the mental strength you will need afterwards.

Good Night,
Reba

Slow Go, But it is Going!

Healing from back surgery is a very long and tiring process.  And I am only 3 weeks into it.  It is also almost (I say almost because my house is always jumping with something!) boring.  I get a lot (a lot by my standards) of “just me“ time laying in bed, reading and day dreaming or actually dreaming when I doze off.  Since my children were born “just me” time had seized to exist.  Even now as I am healing my children spend quite a bit of time in bed with me...in and out in and out...and I spend quite a bit of time going in and out of rooms checking in on them and who ever is here helping.  So even though my “me time” is really just an hour here or there, if all goes well it is more than I have had in quite sometime!  Point is I can’t do much of anything but read, daydream, think, play on the internet, watch movies or TV.  I like to do these things but get bored of them quickly.  There is so much I would rather be doing but am not able to do at this time because of the surgery and all the strict rules that come with the healing process.  The healing process that I am just now getting the hang of...I really hope it is not too late that I am just now getting the right amounts of rest, less stress, less trying to do things i shouldn’t, less breaking the rules “just this once”......  I wanted to follow the doctors orders to a T but even more listen to my own body.  I was determined to do everything just perfect and be perfect in the end for doing so.  Better late than never.  The last few days I have been bored in just the right amounts so I am back on track.  I forgot to take one of my many pain pills one day this week and the pain was horrendous!!!  It scared me right into my new way of boredom! There was also a scare this week that I was going to have to make it through a night without my pain meds because I forgot to call in on time to get my refill -thank my lucky stars I didn’t have to...I was near tears just thinking of the pain I would be in.  So heres to healing, cheers! 

Go to Bed, NOW!

To be completely honest with myself I am not resting enough.  In order for my body to heal I need to get the right amounts of sleep and rest so new healthy cells can form and my body can begin to mend itself and new bone can form.

There are a few reasons I am not getting enough z’s.  One: my pain meds have a side effect of keeping me awake.  Two: I am not laying down when I know I should.  When my body says “Hey, I am tired lets go lay down for a bit”, I must admit I ignore it.  I want to keep doing things or stay close to the kids just to watch them discover or listen to their funny stories.  Three: Sometimes I want to go get some unnecessary errands done.  Four: I want to visit with the company that has come to help and feel guilty as I watch them clean my house. (Thank you!!!!!)

The thing is before my surgery I was always able to just keep pushing myself, it was a way of life.  So I need to make a new way of life, which is always hard to do.

As for how I am doing as far as healing - I think pretty good.  I am not in as much pain, as long as I stay on top of the meds.  I am a thousand times better than last week.  I am able to move myself around my bed without all the moaning and wincing.  The headaches are totally gone.  I still wake in the middle of the night a few times in major pain and need to take my pain and sleeping meds. 

I want to make a full recovery and that is why I am being honest with myself about the resting part.  I am going to schedule rest time just like I schedule my walks.  I only have this one chance to heal and I need it to work.  So those of you in charge keep yelling at me to get in bed!!!

The Hospital

The morning we left I was calmer than I thought I would be.  We finished packing I took my shower with my special soap and headed out the door after a million and one kisses between my daughter and myself!  Kissed my mom and headed out.

When we arrived the nerves set in.  There was nurses and doctors coming in and out of the room testing this and that.  Then I was put in my gown and rolled to the “waiting area.”  When my doctor arrived we said our hellos went over a few things and the anesthesiologist gave me my IV.  I had tears in my eyes and kissed my husband goodbye.  Then just like that I woke up in the recovery room.  I was crying in pain while they flipped me all over the bed doing x-rays.  It was scary because I woke up to what felt like chaos or the specimen of an alien experiment.

I was then rolled up into my room where my husband was fast asleep waiting for me.  I don’t think he was too nervous as he was so out of it he didn’t even wake up when the nurses and doctors rolled me in!  One nurse said “wow we didn’t even put him out!”  That’s my man...he is an excellent sleeper.

The whole hospital stay is somewhat a blur.  I was heavily medicated and in and out of consciousness quite a bit.  The first night was nothing short of hell.  The pain meds they had me on were not lasting long enough and they were unwilling to give me more in fear they would kill me.  At one point I was crying and trembling in pain holding on to the side of the bed asking them to please give me anything even if it did kill me.  The pain was beyond painful, beyond words that could describe it.  In the morning my doctor came in my room, where I was lying in tears and jerking in pain he looked at me and said “this is not right we cannot let her be this way.”  He ordered something stronger than morphine, I can’t remember what its name is, they put it in my IV and relief came.  It left quickly and so began the game of trying to keep me from falling to the lowest lows of pain.  It was a game that went on almost the whole time I was there.  I gave birth to my children without the use of pain medication and I  thought that was the worst pain I had and would ever be through.  Giving birth was cake compared to this.

On the plus side my family and friends came and visited 24 hours a day and cared for me through all the ruff patches.  I had nurses that were just amazing.  My OT was wonderful and so was my PT.  Everyone was great and everyone was trying their damnedest to help me get better.  My doctor apologized for the trouble I had and the pain I was in but how could he have foreseen that.  He eventually got my pain under control and relieved me of my headaches. Now I am healing!!!!!!! Healing not just taking meds to cover the pain.  I am on meds to help with the pain as I heal and that is is huge difference!

Who's Playing with the Panic Button?

Last week I was at peace with the decision to have surgery.  I was almost eager to get it done and be on my way to better.  I was comfortable with the plans for my family during the recovery and looking forward to some rest.  Then on Monday I opened an email from my lovely sister-in-law asking what time we needed her to watch the kids next week.  When I read “next week” I stopped breathing.  It made what was abstract into reality.  I couldn’t breathe or see straight.   I went outside and tried to collect myself. When I came in the house my husband asked if I was OK.  I started to cry and could not stop.  I really worried my little girl but I couldn’t stop.  I just kept hugging her and my son trying to not cry.  My husband told me everything is going to be OK even if we had to go right now, it would be fine everyone would be fine.  
Once I caught my breath I called my mom and she helped calm me down.  It wasn’t so much the surgery I was upset about.  It was my kids, it was everything - I am not sure I can put into words really what it was.  It was a meltdown. 
Then a few hours later I got another email from a wonderful person I met on Facebook who is about 5 weeks post op from a 3 level spinal fusion.  She said she is doing great. Her recovery has been great she feels better than she has in years!  I could feel her excitement, her joy of having her life back.  I could breathe again.  Just like that I was at peace with it as much as one could be.  

My mom said she was waiting for my breakdown and she will be here for the next one.  I have been working on getting all my ducks in a row for this surgery so I am busy busy and haven’t had time for one today! My next “to-do” is to finish my brace.  My awesome brother-in-law painted it a fiery mix of oranges and I am in the process of painting a phoenix on it...goal is to finish it tomorrow. 

Two Weeks

Two weeks from today, at this time, I will be in my room at the hospital.  The surgery will be over, I will be out of the recovery room and in a regular room.  All this built up tension and fear about the actual operation will be over, the surgery will have happened and recovery will be starting.  

In many ways I am looking forward to the recovery.  This time I may actually be recovering, on my way to better days.  Unlike the past procedures, pills and physical therapy I may find lasting relief.  I was given an 85% chance (or better) of feeling 85% better(or more).  Instead of having to take painkillers to get through the days I will have a dull back ache. There may be times it flares up throughout my life and I am off my feet for a few days.  And I must always remember surgery or not I don’t have a good back.  I think my odds are even better than they gave me.  I intend to be very proactive about caring for my back.  With a fusion there is always a chance you will wear out the disks above or below and have to go back for another fusion. (Not below in my case as there is no more disk below S1) One doctor said he could get me, at least, a good 20 years before I would need another.  My current doctor said as long as I stay healthy, stay away from a career of heavy lifting, maintain a healthy weight and build my core I should be able to avoid another surgery.  The way I see it, my structure gave out on me this time do to genetics and I can keep the rest of my spine healthy with a little hard work and dedication. That is my plan.  

I would be lying if I didn’t say I am slightly worried about the genetics and the health of the rest of my back.  I do have some arthritis in my upper back and pain moving upwards but my doctor assures me the pain is from the stress of my lower back and the muscles compensating (or something like that). 

In many ways I fear the recovery more than the surgery.  My children are the loves of my life, it pains me in ways I cannot put into words, that I will not be able to do it all for them if even for a moment.  It is for this exact reason I am also having the surgery done. Our youngest are very young, 1 and 2 years old and our soon to be 12 year old son will all have a broken mom for awhile.  For at least 12 weeks I will not be able to lift more than a gallon of milk, both the little ones weigh more than a gallon of milk.  It is not so much the lifting more the bending and twisting and chasing that is needed with them right now, which I won’t be able to do either.  For the first week I will be in the hospital and the second week post op I will be at my moms.  The kids will come visit but it will be hard on us all especially because my baby boy is very attached to me and very very apprehensive (understatement) of any one other than his parents.  My wonderful family is all going to rally together to help and this brings me some much needed peace but I can't help but worry for the days ahead.  Ahh there is so much, I could write for a week about it all!  But I also only have two weeks to get a LOT done so I must get to getting it done.

Oh I should add I am nervous about the pain post op, a little, not too much, I am a champion at pain!

                                               Me and the little ones!